I read this quote today on twitter @trainwithcharli and I can’t stop thinking about it. I truly believe this, that obesity is a state of mind. I have become obese because I am bored and the disappointments that I have been dealt. I want to share these two items within this blog, because I think if I write them out, I might feel better and start to change my mental state.
Boredom: Wow, where do I start with this concept? If I had a nickel for every time I have thought “I am bored” while at work, I’d be one rich woman. I am in a position that is not challenging, and definitely not satisfying. I have my MBA, and half the time I feel like a secretary! I spend a lot of time being bored. So this brings up a lot of negative feelings in me. Like I should be doing something to make it more challenging and not so boring. Or I should be asking for more work. Then I start to feel lazy, then I get depressed, and the cycle just continues. It really lowers the self-esteem, and causes me to seek out something, anything, to pull me out of boredom. Which I guess leads me to eat. I raid a co-workers candy jar, I run to the store to buy peanut butter m and m’s or cookies, or I grab a handful of mints from a co-worker. I never used to be this way, but I have boredom to blame.
Disappointment: Gosh, where do I even begin. Disappointment has reigned over my life for many, many years. Disappointment in myself that I couldn’t sustain a 50lb. weight loss, disappointment in myself that I lack self-confidence, and disappointment in myself for not standing up for myself. And I have the superficial disappointments, like disappointment in my family that they weren’t like the perfect family on TV, that my mom wasn’t the cool one, that my dad annoyed the crap out of me, that my sister didn’t tell me she was pregnant and we hardly ever speak, and the real disappointment that we don’t know how to communicate with each other, which I believe has affected so many of my friendships and relationships. Then there is the disappointments I have faced with friends. I don’t know how many times I have high hopes for a friendship, only for those hopes to be crushed, when a friend flakes out. One of my therapists many years ago told me to stop having high expectations of people. So I lower my expectations, and I still feel disappointed. And realize that these so-called friends are just on the periphery, that I will never develop good friendships because I have lowered my expectations. So here I go setting myself up for disappointment no matter what. I just can’t win.
I’m not trying to blame my disease on others, I just believe that I have put myself in situations that have brought about boredom and disappointment. Both of which lead me to eat and eat and eat. Seriously, my boredom is cured when I eat, at least I’m doing something! And food has never disappointed me! It is that comfort, that knowing that boredom has been erased for a few moments while I wolf down a bag of cookies. And no pint of ice cream has ever disappointed me.
There are obviously so many issues that surround how one gets to be obese, not just boredom and disappointment. But I feel like a small weight has been lifted, and that now I have something to address and find things to replace food for when I am bored and when I am disappointed. It is that small step of recognition that I have found. For one, I know that God will never disappoint, and I must remember that and take comfort in it.
Listening to: American Honey by Lady Antebellum